Drowning here, anyone have a life vest?

Have you ever had a dream where you're drowning?? Where a wave overtakes you and you hold your breath until you just can't any longer. You finally succumb to what you believe will be your very last breath, and much to your surprise, you don't breathe in water! You breathe in beautiful, fresh air, and you suddenly know you're alive.

Imagine living in that very same dream each waking moment. Like a "ground hog day" of sorts, all hours of the day, eyes open or shut. That very same loop of fear, anxiety, worry, euphoria, then back around again. The literal feeling that you are drowning and there's no one there to save you.. this is how it feels living with anxiety.

Recently I found myself at the emergency room terrified of what was happening to me. My heart was pounding in my chest, my body was shaking, and my arm and hands were tingling. I'd panicked before, but this felt like nothing I'd ever experienced. I just knew I was having a heart attack, I was afraid that this was the end.

Thank God I was met with calm and understanding ER staff, who saw me in my time of panic and did everything they could to reassure me that I was in fact ok!

When alarm bells went off because my blood pressure was through the roof, the kind CNA quickly silenced the alarm and promised me those numbers would go down and that it was ok the alarm went off. She quickly got me hooked up to an EKG and only left to get confirmation from the doctor that my heart was ok.

When explaining my fear and embarrassment to the triage nurse, she told me that she absolutely understood my fears, reassured me that I had made the right decision to come in and get checked out, and found me to let me know that my vitals had finally come down, offering me some relief.

When the doctor came to see me, he introduced himself not as doctor so-and-so, but by his first name instead. He sat in the visitors chair and heard my concerns with empathy, understanding, and a true desire to help me feel better. He didn't treat my panic attack as any less of an emergency, than anyone else's in the ER that day.

That evening  I finally decided that I could no longer deny what was happening to me or try to manage my symptoms alone. I had to resolve that as much as I crave control, I am no longer in control of my own feelings. I finally decided after this ER visit it is time to get some help.

The journey ahead is uncertain for me. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared. But mostly I'm eager to see what a less anxious future holds for myself and my family. Too many people live in the dark, afraid to bring the struggles of their mind to light, and I've been one of them for far too long.

I guess I'm writing all of this to say, if you too are struggling and sometimes feel like you're drowning- you're not alone. Take a deep breath, be bold, be brave, and bring your personal battle out in to the light.

You, precious Momster, don't need to struggle alone in the dark any longer. There's someone willing and waiting for you to ask for help. 💜